a kind of life

a restful musing

a kind of life.

I am emotional as I write this restful musing. I’ve been grateful lately. Due in no small part to being done with my school term and having a clear mind and a relatively clear schedule. (Is this what normal people experience?) I’m also emotional writing this musing because Lucille Clifton’s poetry has been foundational in both healing my soul and creating a life that I am proud of. I have spent hundreds of hours looking at “won’t you celebrate with me” and every single time I consider the poem, a new line jumps out at me. the Spirit is present on every line. And for today, “ a kind of life” is sitting upon my heart so tenderly that I decided to scribble a few words about it.

I too have not had a coherent model for existing that I could ever point to. While I have been helped along the way by so many, I can’t point to a single person that has lived a life that I could readily emulate. This has always been confusing to me and I have often chided myself over my inability to just go along with the flow that everyone else has subscribed to. I’m 40 years old and just now having a glimmer of understanding of how I want to spend the back half of my life. I utilized the first half trying to understand who I was, run away from the American dream, and…heal from a childhood that was a nightmare.

And in all of my efforts to find myself, learn what I *don’t* want…I have made a kind of life. Some would argue that I am not successful. Indeed my bank account might like a word or two with me…but I’m happy. I’m proud of the man that I have become and am becoming. I’m proud of this life that I made up. I hope you are able to see yourself in my words and that you too are proud of the life that you made up. And even if the sting of regret is more painful…you can get back up again. You really can.

I put this list of questions that I found about Audre Lorde here because it has been pivotal in creating this “kind of life”. I wish I could remember exactly who put the image on social media so I could give full credit to them :)

Yes, Lucile Clifton, I’m standing here between starshine and clay surveying my life and celebrating. I’m celebrating that the coldness of this world did not snuff out the spark of empathy and inspiration that I’ve always possessed. I’m celebrating that I found myself. I’m celebrating that I am becoming more and more loving. I’m celebrating the places that I find God, the beautiful, hidden places. Though I may never be rich, I am celebrating that my definition of success is that all my loved ones are safe/provided for, and I’ll keep working until they are.

*I suppose I’m also emotional writing this piece because I saw the movie Wicked last week and it is still moving me. Watching Elphaba carve out a life for herself in the midst of ridicule, trauma, and betrayal embodies Clifton’s “won’t you celebrate with me” so so so so well.

** December 8th will be my last restful musing until the new year. I may write (probably will) another paid subscriber post or two beyond that but I’m looking forward to a few weeks to explore and disengage from this particular kind of writing. Every year I get a bit nervous as I take this yearly break, wondering if people will divest from reading my work…etc. But, fear will not make my decisions for me Between full time work, being in a PhD program, running two podcasts (Three Black Men with

Trey Ferguson

and our brother Sam, as well as Black Coffee and Theology with

Rose J. Percy

)…ya boy needs some rest and reprieve.

Thank you to every free subscriber, paid subscriber, and all those who choose to buy me a coffee