scarcity in a field of dreams
a restful musing
I’ve been dreaming lately.
Little by little, small bursts of hope.
I’ve been opening my eyes lately.
As the first year of my PhD program winds to a close, (cheer me on ya’ll I’m almost done *cries in exhaustion*) I’ve been feeling…strange. The routine of working and going to school tends to get robotic for me as I have to put my head down and sprint. Too little time for sleep and too many philosophical ideas weary me. But. I’ve started to dream again. Small and large things have started to preoccupy my mind at the most inopportune times. I’m inclining my ear and attention to the things that float to the top of my heart when nobody else is looking. These dreams tell a story of who I am and who I will become.
“I dream a dream that dreams back at me.” Toni Morrison
I am reminding myself that I don’t want to reach this place of deficit again. I don’t want to be so busy that I forget how much dreaming means to me. I feel most at home with myself when I am allowing myself to daydream. I have to remind myself to slow down a little bit. Interesting that I still need this reminder when I am a self-proclaimed contemplative and someone who often speaks and writes about rest as a way of life.
Something that is grounding me is the reality that scarcity is not my portion. I come alive as I remind myself that I don’t have all the wisdom, all the charisma, all of the knowledge. I find such beauty when I remember this, when I cheer on others, and when I immerse myself in creative work. (Recently,
James Baldwin, and Maya Angelou are renewing me with their words.)I’m not in this alone.
Neither do I have to dream alone.
*I will share a very vulnerable dream that has been slowly winding its way through my heart and mind. I am in tears as I write this by the way. I want to learn how to swim. For those who know me deeply they know that water has nightmare qualities for me. (Please don’t tell me I shouldn’t be afraid.) Water has taken a lot from me and I do want to live in a different relationship to it. Phew*
I’m dreaming again in a world marked by scarcity, envy, and jealousy…and I hope you can too.
“Don’t let anybody, anybody convince you this is the way the world is and therefore must be. It must be the way it ought to be.” Toni Morrison
Water is beautiful but it’s not our natural element and that is scary as sh*t if we let ourselves think about it.
It’s hard to be brave in a world that enjoys taking…and taking…and then telling us that we should be grateful for what we have and do more as it ….takes some more.
I’m afraid of gravity.
In my 20’s my bf and I rock climbed a lot and he would always talk about what “a natural I was”. I never told him the truth. I wasn’t a natural. I was just too afraid of letting go and falling. Gravity is a bitch and she always gets you when you least expect it lol. I was determined not to be the one she took.
So much of life is like that. Avoiding what we fear most and thereby giving it so much power.
It would have been better if I’d learned how to let myself fall…I would have learned that I could trust both the rope and the person there to catch me.
Whether you learn to swim or not- the very act of admitting you want to is brave.
Like super effing brave.
I’m rooting for you;)
Just crying as I read this.