the God I've come to know
a restful musing
Recently, I was sitting with relative strangers at a holiday dinner. (Those who know me know that I am shy and deeply introverted…so this was a miraculous event.) Somehow, it came up that I was a PhD student and inevitably, someone across from me asked what I was studying. I tensed up and said religious studies. I am not ashamed of this course, I am just keenly aware of how the word “religious” impacts people. This person scoffed, then laughed harder, and proceeded to unload their condescension on me. They instinctively believed that I was a conservative Christian and began to tell me how silly that stream of belief is. She also informed me that she has evolved beyond all of that. (Sometime I will have to tell you all the rest of this story :)
People believe a lot of things about “God”, the universe, and our place in it. As someone who grew up atheist, I have a lot of space for people to hold different beliefs, religious belongings, etc. I am intensely curious what people mean when they say “God”. I don’t know what you mean, I can only know what I mean. I didn’t grow up in a religious or even spiritual household. It is fascinating to experience what people assume when they hear I study religion or that I am a Christian. Often, people assume that I am naive and have never been curious about the world. (Speaking on this topic…ya’ll should get my brother
new book on theologizing and join his launch team.) My views on God have developed, been strained, and morphed each decade of my life. This is why I use a simple phrase in my personal times with God…The God I’ve come to know
While I wasn’t taught expressly about God in my youth, I did pick up what others meant when they talked about God. I was shaped, especially by Christianish beliefs. In school, some of the most cruel people were Christians. Unfortunately, that has not changed all that much as I’ve grown up. (No need for pushback here…I know many kind Christians…I would consider myself one of the kind ones :) I heard people declare that God caused Hurricane Katrina. I heard people say that slavery was necessary so that people could come to God. I heard the hatred that people espoused in the name of God. It sickened me to the core. Using “The God I’ve come to know” implies I don’t know everything. It implies I’m still learning….
People’s questions about God matter. BIGLY. At one point (I’m lying…many points) in my faith development, I had to ask a question…does God love Black people? Is God racist? These questions plagued me. (Cue Whitney Houston…How will I know if *God* really loves me?) Since then, I’ve asked many hard questions of God that largely have been unanswered. I’ve been shattered by grief. I’ve experienced joy inexpressible also. I’ve made it through many, MANY hard days. Somehow…despite all of my questioning and unbelief, I’m still here with God. I can’t give a ton of answers on God. In fact, I tend to answer questions with questions. I do know that the God I’ve come to know has held me. I do feel whispers of God’s presence through the love of my friends and family. I do know that I wake up every morning and sit with my tea or coffee and watch the sunrise…waiting to hear from God. Perhaps I am foolish. Perhaps there is another way to do this thing, but…uncertain, clumsy, Robert can only tell you about the God *he* has come to know. I still address God as “the God I’ve come to know.” Despite other people’s input and poisonous thoughts on what God is like…I’m still learning and growing. I don’t want to lie on God. I’m still learning what God is like.
“It is very good to turn aside from the rush and the weariness and the anxieties by which these days beset and lay siege to our moments, to rest in the presence of God.” Howard Thurman.
*Btw here is a recent podcast where I talk with my friends on what we have come to think about God.*
This is so healing for me. When I first came across your newsletter, I read some things that strikes the Christianity I had come to know growing up as a Nigerian international missions kid in a majority white international school. I was worried I wouldn't connect. However, the God I've come to know stopped me from blocking out a perspective I am not used to. He told me (I believe and am paraphrasing a bit) Lois, don't be so quick to block something that can help you, even if it's different from what you are used to. Then as I have been reading week after week staying on and connecting with your words has been an incredibly healing process for me. So thank you. Truly God is not to be boxed up by human behavior and interpretations, God shows Himself in new ways and surprises me all the time. One thing is for sure, despite all the pain, questions and gaps in this life, love is the signal that rings most true about the God I've come to know. About the Jesus I love and who loves me.
Robert, this so resonates with me as I shift from a paradigm of apologist-level certainty of definitions to a humbled, curious, sometimes raging, sometimes ecstatic walker with God. So many people are getting hurt out here, run over by the certainty (whether in belief or unbelief) of others.