what i have, i freely give

a restful musing

Photo by Mia Golic on Unsplash

if healing is a process, and I believe that it is, I don’t come across lots of commentary on the other side of crisis. what happens to a soul, a mind, a body, once it is no long steeped in trauma. oh I hear a lot on the “easy steps” to clearing your mind. or the step by step guide to walking in your purpose. these streams of self-help irritate me because it has taken the majority of my life to unlearn dysfunction. to lay down those coping mechanisms, however sincere, that served to shield me from a terrible childhood, and young adulthood. to fully embrace this life. fyi i speak about my childhood so much in my work because it really set me on a path of heartbreak. I know that some people never learn how to process their upbringing. I couldn’t articulate it then, but something felt incredibly wrong about growing up poor. not being able to afford a single book at a book fair seems funny now, but it was devastating. being hungry. being afraid of my father…fear, abuse, and poverty make for horrible conditions for growth. I could never quite master “forgive and forget.” I remember a lot of horrible things, and trauma has meant that i’ve forgotten a lot of precious things.

and so. i did as much work as i could to get out of crisis. crying. therapy. more crying. getting diagnosed and medicated for chronic anxiety. prayer. lots of prayer. rejecting others before they could reject me. (toxic) taking steps backward for every step forward. it felt like there would never be a time where I was healthy, stable, free from fear of my upbringing. at 41 though, I have to declare that I am no longer in crisis. and even admitting that, there is a piece of me that wants to cling to crisis. who am I outside of my problems? riddle me that. living in crisis forms you in such a way that it is safer than the unknown….but crisis is no longer my resting place. of course I still have problems. just cried on Monday due to grief, stress, overwork…you name it. being a Black man in America will do that quite nicely. clawing my way out of poverty and emotional dysfunction has taken my whole life. I can finally afford groceries without fear. no inheritance or anything, just normal life (living). all along the way, I had loved ones who held my hands, sent me a few dollars, purchased books, said encouraging words over my soul, loved me into life…sat with me in death. it feels almost shameful to admit that I can stand up now. that somehow this means that I will get less love, less care, less support. is there a quota on lovingkindness? I hope my new strength doesn’t mean that I will be placed in the magical negro category that people try and place those they don’t desire to love into…

I won an award recently for all my academic research, scholarship, and publishing. I love when people capture my smile. This smile cost me so much to obtain.

and these days, on the other side of crisis, I find that I am able to hold hands. put people back together the same ways that people helped put me back together. I am able to love people to life. instead of being *only* the one in need, I am able to give back. stable enough that I can be an anchor in the wave for someone else. it has been such a different experience to have people come visit me who are down on their luck, discouraged in some way, and offer them food, money, shelter, and a laugh.

I don’t have much

but these are the days

of giving freely,

loving others how they need

loving myself how I need

and knowing that there’s enough

love for us all.

i’m writing this post for others who may be afraid to step out of crisis. it’s not simple, and others, who may still be in crisis, may find my words hard to stomach. and still others who haven’t been in severe crisis may feel my words are alien. consider the people in your life who are knee deep in fight or flight, who need a few dollars. who need a hug. who would breakdown in tears over an encouraging word. love all right where they are. grace to you all. there is life on the other side. I promise.

*Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for reading. I am blessed by the comments and the love that I receive each week. If my words have blessed you, please share them with others. If you desire, you could also buy me a coffee.