When the good doesn't outweigh the bad

reflections from a thoughtful life

A few years ago I remember hearing of an interview that Tina Turner did as she surveyed her life. In the interview she was asked pointedly about the good outweighing the bad. Her answer really stuck with me:

"It wasn’t a good life. The good did not balance the bad. I had an… there’s no other way to tell the story. It’s a reality. It’s the truth. That’s what you’ve got, so you have to accept it. Some people say the life that I lived and the performances that I gave, the appreciation, is blasting with the people. And yeah, I should be proud of that. I am. But when do you stop being proud? I mean, when do you, how do you bow out slowly?"

Her words pierce me even as I read them again. We tend to try to force a perspective on living that is predicated on “the glass is half full.” Has the good outweighed the bad in your life?

what happens when the answer is no?

I am sitting in a coffee shop today crying. Anyone who knows me well knows that I think deeply. I reminisce on good times. I torture myself on comments I’ve made that could’ve been hurtful. I relive the bad times in a way that I am not always proud of. I am reflecting on my life today. There are indeed so many things that I am proud of within the boundary lines called my life. I don’t know that I would say the good has outweighed the bad. In fact, I am pretty sure it hasn’t. I do find myself going back to a young boy named Robert…

Shy.

Frightened. Always frightened.

Chubby.

Imaginative.

Robert was cursed with, or blessed with depending upon your viewpoint, with a great big heart. That big heart led to so many decisions. Trying to love people who were determined to be unlovable. Naive beyond belief as Robert had to learn that not everyone had his best interests in mind. That big heart found itself in very high highs and some low lows throughout life.

If it had not been for the Lord on my side

Where would I be? Where would I be?

If it had not been for the Lord on my side

Where would I be? Where would I be? Helen Baylor

I am not doom and gloom this morning. I am merely reflecting. What I am amazed by is that with all that I have been through…the tears I have cried, the health scares in the whispers of uncertainty, the racism I’ve endured, the loved ones I’ve lost…I am still here. Maybe the good really hasn’t outweighed the bad. And perhaps my bad days have enveloped me with a night that didn’t seem to end. I am still here. And for that? I am so grateful.

Psalm 124 soothes my spirit today:

“If the LORD had not been on our side— let Israel say— if the LORD had not been on our side when people attacked us, they would have swallowed us alive when their anger flared against us; the flood would have engulfed us, the torrent would have swept over us, the raging waters would have swept us away.”

*If this post causes you to think and/or blesses you would you mind sharing it? Also…I am curious to your own thoughts. Feel free to engage in the comments. Bless ya’ll.*