I don't want to be resilient no mo'
a restful musing
*It’s been awhile since I greeted all of the new subscribers to this small portion of the internet I call home. hey :) And to those who come here week after week…you’re pretty swell. On Sundays, I try and post a musing that challenges, refreshes, and causes some type of reflection. These musings are something that I craft in the belief that we all deserve to have a deep sigh before a new week dawns upon us.
Resilience
Isn’t a
Bad word
Necessarily
It’s just foul language
When an oppressor uses it
To describe you
And cover up their dastardly deeds
Resilient is a strange word to me. It has a funny aftertaste that I can’t ever seem to fully vibe with. Perhaps it is because I grew up with the legacy of ancestors who went through all manner of hell to survive, love, and thrive. Today, and every day I honor them. Perhaps it is because of how often the word has been attached to me, especially at the lowest times of my life. Maybe it’s the imagery that goes along with it…impenetrable walls of steel. Resilient lost its romance for me at an early age when I saw my parents struggle to survive in a world that didn't seem to love them back. I watched my father get pneumonia and get up and get dressed for work. I watched him hurt himself on the job and get up the next morning because…this is what men are supposed to do. I wish he had the opportunity to take off his resilient cape. Be a different person than that which was shaped by toughness. Men need a chance to step away from being resilient. It’s killing us.
“I don’t want to be resilient no mo’” - me
Resilient doesn’t seem right to me anymore and feels complicit in destroying the multiply-marginalized among us. Calling someone resilient while not even attempting to dismantle the systems that are burdening them is the finest of cruelty. Truly America-worthy cruel.
I don’t want to be resilient anymore. I don’t want to dwell with people who have to be. I know that this word can be empowering. I know that even the mere insistence that I am demanding in regards to it can be offensive. Even still, I want a soft life. Monetarily? yes. Circumstantially? also yes. Being loved through it all? definitely. Don’t ask me what I mean by a soft life because I’m still trying to climb out of the pit of resilience. I have noticed over the years that people don’t seem to love us who have been deemed “resilient.” Sure there are the words of astonishment. The “I could never go through what you went through.” And. At the end of the day, calling someone resilient often seems to be a way to dismiss helping them. Supporting them in tangible ways. Hearing where they are weak. Being attentive….resilient people need love too. I confess I hate the “check on your strong friends” because…it doesn’t last. Business as usual sets in and that business is prospering on the backs of those named Resilient. And perhaps this entire post is a projection. Even still, I’m glad I wrote it. For all those who have been called “the strong.” I wish a soft life for you. One where you know that you are loved. One where affection isn’t based upon service. You deserve the best things. Truly.
Love to you all.
Before I go, I would like to share two projects that I’ve had a hand in. One is a book review I did on
book and you can find it here. And the other is an essay that I wrote on disability you can find here if you scroll down on the page to get to it. :)
I appreciate your post. I’m a bounce back champion. But, after reading it, I am thinking I’m going to aim for a soft life.
I’ve been thinking for a long time about that Ginsburg line: the best minds of my generation… etc.
I’ve been thinking about it like I want to write a poem or essay with it but I haven’t quite been able to work it in yet.
The women are left out of that poem but also this.
The neurodivergents most burning themselves out at mediocre jobs for mediocre pay. Crying ourselves to sleep because we can’t do one more day.
All the mothers (still statistically mostly mothers) doing the full time work and the family emotional labor and admin labor.
All the folks in an appease nervous system state literally putting everyone before themselves. Not even knowing what their needs are. Not even really knowing the ways in which they aren’t tending to themselves.
Sorry this is getting to be extra. Many walk around wearing busy like a badge of honor while shoving down trauma and pain. I’m just not even capable of playing that game anymore. But admittedly I have found it complicated and slow to bring ease and softness into my life consistently. Release the old mental and nervous system patterns and expectations. Oof. Thank you.