“Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. I use the word "love" here not merely in the personal sense but as a state of being, or a state of grace - not in the infantile American sense of being made happy but in the tough and universal sense of quest and daring and growth.”
― James Baldwin
Scouring the internet for any length of time means that you can readily find tips to improve your life, to hustle harder, to grind in more efficient ways, to get the life that you deserve. Ambition can get you far in a culture that thrives on productivity over lovingkindness. As a man, I have been inundated with messages of the ambitious type my whole life. Ego, domination, and later, Christian messaging, all mingled together to shape my desires towards climbing the ladder of success. (It’s always interesting to me that success usually seems to be summed up with the word “more”.) I wanted to get to the top of any situation faster than everyone else. I just knew that God’s very best for me was to be more than the rest of my peers. Phew.
After chasing ambition for some years though, I realized how tired I was. I wasn’t like everyone else, and I drifted away from wanting to be the man in charge. I no longer wanted to be the head of an organization or spiritual community. I didn’t even want to be rich. I have sat with some at the end of their life and realized that the ambitious dreams that drove them in their youth turned to chaotic nightmares as they had nothing to show for it. All of that passion seemingly gone to waste. I wanted to lie down.
So…I shifted.
I will never be the smartest person in a room. Neither will I be the richest. Pursuing these things has left me cracked and broken. I have endeavored to form a life that I am proud of and sure I could run after those things, but instead, I want those who I love to know how much they mean to me. My pursuit these days is to spend time with those I adore. Spending time via FaceTime or zoom or texting. Sending little gifts in the mail that let people know that even when I can’t be present with them, I am thinking of them. My goals are shifting and I am so proud of that. These days I want:
to read books in the sunlight
to play the piano until my fingers ache
to write poetry that makes me say “I DID THAT”
to giggle a minimum of three times a day.
to have a weekly dance party in my kitchen
Made me think of a line from Dia Becker’s latest piece: “Anything that consumes you will not spare your health.” I’m so over burnout. The grind is not worth it.
Last week, I took an Enneagram test for work and it said I was most likely a 9 (the peacemaker). Years ago when I took the test, I got type 3 (the achiever). I’m glad we’re learning rest and peace can be an aspiration, something we begin to embody.
This touched my heart is such a profound way! I’ve been mediating a lot on the function of laughter as a coping mechanism for the human condition, so when you said you want to giggle at least 3 times a day, it just warmed my heart. Thank you so much for sharing 🥹🙏🏾