On worth.

a restful musing

Photo by Kevin Wright on Unsplash

*Happy Sunday gentle beings and to all a good morning. I have been so touched recently by the influx of new readers, the kind and generative words that you share with me on my posts and I…maybe I’m the most naive man on the planet, but I do believe that social media can be a tool for good. I do believe that we can interact in nontoxic, non bigoted ways that inspire and heal one another. Stay until the end for a little announcement. Bless ya’ll*

“Nobody gave you to me. Don’t ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn’t fall in love, I rose in it. I saw you and made up my mind.”

― Toni Morrison

I’m a contemplative. If I’m honest, I have always been. Even when I didn’t have the language for it as a child. One aspect of this affliction (because sometimes it truly feels like that) is that I turn phrases over and over again in my mind. Spinning the words around like a Rubik’s cube until I suck all of the beauty and pleasure out of it. The above quote by Toni Morrison has been running through my mind alllll day (cue Fresh Prince voice). And many days. It will probably sneak its way into everything I write for quite some time because the beauty in these words is exquisite. The ability to love in such a simple, but powerful way brings me to tears. No romantic comedy can capture the essence of what it means to rise in love. “I rose in it…” This is no accidental love at first sight type of situation. And so. I desire that everyone hears these words at some point in their life. That they are shown what it is like when someone doesn’t love them accidentally, but someone to love them enough to rise into love. Ain’t no fallin down in love over here.

“It's a bad word, 'belong.' Especially when you put it with somebody you love ... You can't own a human being.”

― Toni Morrison

I believe in the inherent worth of people. Yes, I believe in the imago dei. I’m a teacher/scholar/theologian that truly believes that humans were created. And even as I say that I must pause, knowing that these words have been weaponized against people. Uttered to manipulate people into following a certain way of life/thinking/praxis. Although I believe in God, I must vehemently distance myself from that oppressive way of thinking and moving in the world. I don’t believe that humans were created by some evil Master Genius for his devilish machinations. Forced into service and given scraps of dignity and love in return. Instead, I believe that our highest good is to love and be loved. Full stop. No asterisk. I try to live my life in such a way that people experience this with me. Every being on this planet is worthy of kindness, dignity, love, respect, and the chance to be nurtured. I told ya’ll I’m naive, but I believe this to be true.

We are worth it. We deserve a world that reflects this worth. Where people rise in love for one another, forsaking selfishness and greed as they seek to create pathways to rest and freedom. I dream in the day and cry in the night for this sacred vision. And I know that capitalism is opposed to this vision. It is the antithesis of this whole restful musing. It dictates to us that we are *not* worthy. That the only good we can bring this world is if we are “normal.” The respect that we should get is tied to how able-bodied we are, how productive we can be.

No.

And now….

I did it. I finished my first full year as a PhD student. I am so humbled to get to this place that it will take me days and weeks to process it. Nobody in my family has attained this and it has been a lonely, surprising, wearying, and enlightening journey. I will never be able to accurately convey what it felt like to try to apply to programs without knowing what I was doing. The hours I cried over my first rejection letter. Where I was this time last year as I was moving across the country with no money in my pockets and muted dreams in my heart. This school year has felt like 100 lifetimes!!! Maybe for some it is odd to feel this sentimental over one year being done. I am by no means even CLOSE to finishing this program. But I determined that I would celebrate every win in my life, big or small. I won’t wait to say “I did it!” Because only God and I know how difficult the journey has been to get here. Thank you to everyone who has sent me words of encouragement along the way. Those who have watched me cry my eyes out at night over imposter syndrome. Those who flew to visit me and bring me love all year. Those who sent me books and care packages. Those who bought me a cup of coffee and said “Keep going!” As I celebrate me, I celebrate us. A communal care ethic has held me because Lord knows academia won’t. (And that is a post for a different day gentle beings.) Pray for me that I will be able to rest and celebrate this summer. Much love to you all.