I may be committing a cardinal sin with posting twice in one day. As I was on a run this morning, words started to well up in my heart and I have to put them to the page. My hope is that this short post will be a blessing. There are fathers that are in between
Excellent post and transmission of thoughts / experience for those on both sides. I know what it’s like to have been despised and/or abused and abandoned by both parents. Spent my entire life trying to figure out why, mainly by recreating the same dynamics in the partnerships I’d choose - only to have made that wound within me worse. It’s been only within the past month or so that things have shifted. It wasn’t anything we did wrong. We had war from the jump in our households because the parents who brought us into the world were already at war with themselves. All relationships are mirrors, but especially so when it’s an SO or family, even moreso children. People hurt others when they mistake the mirror for a window. So I finally saw it was nothing I did, in my case it’s a repeat scenario of: I can never compete with someone’s alcoholism - alcohol will always win. I can never be enough to someone to change when they are addicted to the vice of their own narrative that keeps them stuck in suffering that was there long before I was. So I’m grateful to be seeing that, even though it can still be very painful. And I’m glad you guys are able to form something now, even if it is over the phone / between prison walls.
Thank you also for acknowledging the current parents “in between” - I don’t have kids but for many I know who do and are young parents who didn’t have actual parents growing up, it’s very hard for them. The shame they feel for not measuring up often makes them act even worse. Hopefully they get the message that they have every opportunity in each passing moment to pioneer something new and break the cycle. Otherwise it just keeps going until one day someone does. Let it begin with us now. 🙏❤️🙏
Spent my morning with incarcerated dads (who are also often sons of incarcerated dads.) This poignantly speaks to the complexity and persistent hope, even the loss and the grief, of it all. Sending love all around. 🖤
This is a beautiful and let me commend you for doing great job and for allowing in back to your life.it takes a lot of strength to pull that through.
Ps; I’m still struggling to forgive and allow my dad back into my life but I’m trying. Hopefully, one day, I’ll let go of the past completely and allow him be my daddy again.
So glad you get to have a relationship with your father now.
I had always hoped for this with my dad but now it will never be. My dad died on June 1.
So now I'm stuck in this cycle of not mourning him because I never really knew him, and then feeling like I should mourn him because he was my dad. I spoke to a very nice man at the funeral home that called this phenomenon disenfranchised grief.
Also I'm bipolar II and I believe I'm experiencing grief mania, which really is a thing.
Hi Robert. Your words about your father made me very sad and remembering how mine was also abusive. Because we all want so much for our parents to love & care for us, we keep reaching out to them. You obviously have a huge hole in your heart that needs fulfillment. Even in your hopeful state and willingness (perhaps) to forgive, please be cautious. He is incarcerated for whatever the reason is. He could also turn on you. So please be careful and watchful. He can never give back what he took from you. He can try to make up some of it, but that is his responsibility, not yours to ask for love. Sorry to go on like this, but I also have some of the same needs. Both my parents are gone now. Never asked for forgiveness, never told me they loved me. And on Father's Day the sadness remains for me. I wish you well and send you much love. 💕
Thank you for sharing this. I needed it and did not know it, and I benefitted from it. Although we always say, "No one is going through things alone," it is refreshing to know that someone else is dealing with something similar and has found a way to have grace for someone who has hurt them deeply and is still a bit slow to change. "We shall see what becomes of us."
Excellent post and transmission of thoughts / experience for those on both sides. I know what it’s like to have been despised and/or abused and abandoned by both parents. Spent my entire life trying to figure out why, mainly by recreating the same dynamics in the partnerships I’d choose - only to have made that wound within me worse. It’s been only within the past month or so that things have shifted. It wasn’t anything we did wrong. We had war from the jump in our households because the parents who brought us into the world were already at war with themselves. All relationships are mirrors, but especially so when it’s an SO or family, even moreso children. People hurt others when they mistake the mirror for a window. So I finally saw it was nothing I did, in my case it’s a repeat scenario of: I can never compete with someone’s alcoholism - alcohol will always win. I can never be enough to someone to change when they are addicted to the vice of their own narrative that keeps them stuck in suffering that was there long before I was. So I’m grateful to be seeing that, even though it can still be very painful. And I’m glad you guys are able to form something now, even if it is over the phone / between prison walls.
Thank you also for acknowledging the current parents “in between” - I don’t have kids but for many I know who do and are young parents who didn’t have actual parents growing up, it’s very hard for them. The shame they feel for not measuring up often makes them act even worse. Hopefully they get the message that they have every opportunity in each passing moment to pioneer something new and break the cycle. Otherwise it just keeps going until one day someone does. Let it begin with us now. 🙏❤️🙏
Thank you so much for this vulnerable sharing
likewise 🙏
That was really beautiful. Best to you in your life
thank you. you as well.
Spent my morning with incarcerated dads (who are also often sons of incarcerated dads.) This poignantly speaks to the complexity and persistent hope, even the loss and the grief, of it all. Sending love all around. 🖤
Thank you for these words and the hope you’re cultivating. Whatever the outcome, there’s love to find in the input.
beautifully said. Truly
Good for you for being a big enough man to let him back in.
it took awhile, but here we are
Thank you for your beautiful "musing" about giving dad a second chance at fatherhood.
Sometimes there can be significant healing from brokenness of the past and a real desire to
repair mistakes of the past. It requires a forgiving heart and you have one, Robert!
I just want to give you a big hug! Your words are so pure, direct from the heart. A heart shared by many. Thank you 💕
Thank you for sharing friend.💜
you are so welcome
I’m going to send this to my dad.
Whew 🫂
This is a beautiful and let me commend you for doing great job and for allowing in back to your life.it takes a lot of strength to pull that through.
Ps; I’m still struggling to forgive and allow my dad back into my life but I’m trying. Hopefully, one day, I’ll let go of the past completely and allow him be my daddy again.
Thank you
I hear you. Take all the time you need 🙏🏾
Beautiful post.
So glad you get to have a relationship with your father now.
I had always hoped for this with my dad but now it will never be. My dad died on June 1.
So now I'm stuck in this cycle of not mourning him because I never really knew him, and then feeling like I should mourn him because he was my dad. I spoke to a very nice man at the funeral home that called this phenomenon disenfranchised grief.
Also I'm bipolar II and I believe I'm experiencing grief mania, which really is a thing.
Just so tired right now.
Oh im so sorry 😢
Thank you for this.
you are more than welcome :)
I love your big beautiful heart...it challenges me to be a better human.
oh this is such a wonderful complement.
What a powerful example of redemptive love. 🙏
Hi Robert. Your words about your father made me very sad and remembering how mine was also abusive. Because we all want so much for our parents to love & care for us, we keep reaching out to them. You obviously have a huge hole in your heart that needs fulfillment. Even in your hopeful state and willingness (perhaps) to forgive, please be cautious. He is incarcerated for whatever the reason is. He could also turn on you. So please be careful and watchful. He can never give back what he took from you. He can try to make up some of it, but that is his responsibility, not yours to ask for love. Sorry to go on like this, but I also have some of the same needs. Both my parents are gone now. Never asked for forgiveness, never told me they loved me. And on Father's Day the sadness remains for me. I wish you well and send you much love. 💕
Thank you for sharing this. I needed it and did not know it, and I benefitted from it. Although we always say, "No one is going through things alone," it is refreshing to know that someone else is dealing with something similar and has found a way to have grace for someone who has hurt them deeply and is still a bit slow to change. "We shall see what becomes of us."