Unbreak my heart
A (Toni) restful musing
“We didn’t see the seven mountains ahead of us. We didn’t see how they are always ahead. Always calling us, always reminding us that there are more things to be done, dreams to be realized, joys to be rediscovered, promises made before birth to be fulfilled, beauty to be incarnated, and loved embodied.” Ben Okri
*Will you come and sit with me awhile precious one? I wish that you could experience where and how I am writing this particular musing. Flowers and plants are on most surfaces. A cedar balsam candle allows its aroma to float throughout my room. Melodies by
Envelop me. My apartment creaks when its cold as the old pipes shudder awake and beg for attention. And a small heater blows life on my always cold feet. I purposefully invite you into this imagery because I hope that I can invite you to rest for a moment. To take a deep breath from all of the stress, fatigue, and pain that you might be carrying. All of those are real and I don’t want to flatten those realities. I do want to give you a brief respite that you deserve.“There must be a word for the grief we experience over the life we thought we should have, events that never happened, stories that didn’t have the happy ending.” Alua Arthur
I was a child in the 90s. A Black child in the 90s to make it a bit more precise. And accordingly, I was taught about life by a variety of artists and songs that I probably (definitely) had no business singing1. I sang songs about cheating, police violence, finding that special someone, spirituality (I was an atheist), and heartbreak. Toni Braxton taught me, unbeknownst to her, about love and loss and the cruelty that can come in this life. When her song “Unbreak My Heart” came out, I heard it everywhere. While I did not have any type of love life to justify singing this song in my room through tears (phew), there was something about the plea “Don’t leave me in all this pain. Don’t leave me out in the rain” that meant something to me. I knew at my young age that life would break you and shatter you into pieces. There are no amount of self-help books, positive mantras, candle lighting rituals that can shield a soul from experiencing heartbreak and disappointment.
And.
While I want to almost center this whole piece on despair and pain, I am gingerly seeing a note of hope in this sad ballad that was so much a part of my childhood2. The ability to sing a song, even a lament, is a miracle of epic proportions. Yes Toni did ask for her heart to be unbroken. Yes she did ask for the tears to be seen and accounted for. Yes she did confess that she wanted a love to hold her and give her a reason to go on…and I suppose I am too. Pain is not the only thing for me in this life even though I’ve experienced so much of it. Heartbreak isn’t the only thing here.
I don’t want to diminish your pain this morning (or whenever you read this). I don’t want to point you to a platitude by any means. There are pains that are too deep for words that dwell in every person on this planet. I do hope that you find experiences, people, and moments that will be part of the un-breaking of your heart. I don’t know how that is possible, and I don’t want to pretend that I have the answers, but I do know that sitting in my apartment today, feeling all of the griefs that call my name weekly, I do see glimmers of hope. I do have images of God that allow me to say that God dwells in light yes, but also can be found in utter darkness. I have experienced love in community (i really hate that word) that has been part of my un-breaking.
“Maybe one day we will see that beyond our chaos there could always be a new sunlight, and serenity.” Ben Okri
And. Maybe un-breaking doesn’t mean forgetting. Maybe this is a process that still leaves a trace of all of the disappointing moments we have left behind. Perhaps this un-breaking is a series of events that doesn’t forget what was behind us as it seeks to form something new ahead. That’s my take today as I sing and as I write and as I dream. I always say that I am naive and perhaps this is one of my most naive writings to date. I’m not ashamed of that as I hope for myself and for any who read this.
“I am not ferreting out signs of tentative hope, obstinate optimism…I believe I am detecting an informed vision based on harrowing experience that nevertheless gestures towards a redemptive future.” Toni Morrison
-I cannot end this post without saying a big thank you to everyone who donated towards my dying computer endeavor. I was able to buy a good laptop that suits my needs and I am so humbled and grateful. With some of my own savings and what ya’ll provided I was able to get it in my hands earlier this week. It feels good to invest in my writing and my work as a scholar. Thank you all for giving, reading my work, sharing my words, etc. Bless you.
It would be fun/funny to actually do a series of posts of songs from my childhood that taught me about life.
Special thanks to TLC because “no Scrubs” was a discipleship level song that taught me responsibility and gave me an unhealthy fear of riding in the passenger side of my best friend’s ride.
"Maybe un-breaking doesn’t mean forgetting. Maybe this is a process that still leaves a trace of all of the disappointing moments we have left behind."
This statement reminds me of the Japanese art of Kintsugi, repairing broken pottery with urushi lacquer and powdered gold, silver, or platinum. The object is "un-broken" and continues to be useful; the repair seams are visible and tell the story of the object.