who does it benefit when I am overextended?

a restful musing

“When we over-extend ourselves in work settings, pushing ourselves to the breaking point, we rarely feel positive about tasks even if we are performing them well.” bell hooks

How do you experience burnout? What are the first signs that let you know that you are beyond your capacity and need to take a step back? It’s hard, in a society that worships production to make a pathway for people who are struggling. For those who struggle it can be difficult to say yes to things, even things that they enjoy. It’s much easier to try to claw out of burnout by simply saying no to everything. Have you ever noticed though that when you are in that depleted place that even with a plethora of “No” you’re still tired? That the no didn’t actually help? Too much self-care advice revolves around the no that we need to utter and can leave people stuck. (Sidenote, I believe in saying NO and that it is a complete sentence.) Before we get to burnout though and saying no to things, there is a stop on the train marked OVEREXTENDED

Photo by Roland Lösslein on Unsplash

Who benefits when I am overextended?

I ended my last quarter of school overextended. If I am honest, I don’t know when I first began to enter this state. It wasn’t the amount of things I was doing, but the types of things I WASN’T doing for myself. My emotions were frayed, I felt a bit numb and cynical, and I hadn’t connected in a meaningful way with people that I loved. Invitations to events were left in my inbox and I started each day exhausted beyond belief. I wasn’t quite at that burnout¹ place, but I was close. I was overextended in work, school, and in my personal life. My overextension was exacerbated by the ways in which people tend to rely on me for comfort, support, and advice. It can be difficult for people to see that the givers need to be attended to, and that they aren’t a constant fountain of stuff. I began to ask myself “who benefits when I am like this?”² Over and over again I realized that whoever was benefitting it sure wasn’t me. As I entered this summer, desperate for a change,I began reading a book by bell hooks entitled Sisters of the Yam. In one of the chapters she graciously talks about “work makes life sweet.” She talks about the nature of work and life that break us down vs work that increases our agency and makes us feel alive. After sitting with so much of her words, I cried and determined within myself that I need to get out of survival mode and come back home to myself. My experience of being overextended wasn’t just about work it was how life was piling up on me. I wanted and still want a sweet life.

Growing up, I saw my father in a constant state of being overextended and in burnout. This meant bad news for the rest of us. He took his raw frustration out on us as he struggled to remain upright even when his emotional and physical limits were taxed. We paid dearly for the world of burnout that he lived in. I wonder what I would have grown up to be like if I saw my father able to lie down. I wonder how much pain I would’ve prevented in my life if I saw my father able to climb down off the ledge marked “overextended.” I will never know, but what I can do is take the steps to bring my soul and body back into alignment with what I know to be true: I’m worthy of rest, nurturing, and fulfillment. This summer I am searching for those things. For me, I am not mostly interested in saying no to things. I know how to say no. Boldly. I am trying to experiment with saying yes to things that may cause me to find beauty in hidden places. I want to say yes to collaboration with beautiful souls. I want to say yes to coming alive. And maybe, as I say yes to things, I will make some mistakes. I’m not afraid to say yes to another path though :)

When I am overextended chronically, I lose. Every time. Others may say how much that they have gained by my presence, or that they couldn’t even tell that I’m beyond my bandwidth…but I lose. I am the one left with a nervous system that is depleted. I am the one that can’t connect with those who love me. I am working on this though. While I can’t be perfect in this area, I can try.

Here are two posts that I recently did with

Alex Lewis

and I hope that you all enjoyed them:

Dancing in the Dark, Pt. 1

1. Burnout manifests in my life first by a diminishing of my energy levels. I know that I am reaching a place of no return when I reply “tired” too many times in response to someone asking me how I am doing. I also tend to get emotional swirls that let me know that I can’t seem to regulate myself. My final indicator is that I withdraw inwards and begin to avoid the people that I love.

2. Interlocking systems of oppression make it so that many entities benefit from common people living in a state of being overextended. Being overextended means that people find ways to cope in shopping and other forms of entertainment…which keeps toxic forms of capitalism alive and well.